Caveat lector
Reader Beware. Those family members or other people who may not want to read about my sex life feel free to skip this entry. I have no intention of including writing of a graphic nature, but sometimes TMI is TMI.
So. Here's my rant, commentary, upset.
I have been talking to friends, people in their mid 20s, and finding across the board the same thing. Those of us who are single have the same scenario repeating over and over. The people to whom we are attracted have no interest in us and the people who are attracted to us are just not the people we want to be with. Is it a safety mechanism? Self preservation? Go after those whom we know, on some level, we can't have to save ourselves from having to open up to someone? And more often than not being perplexed at those who seem, to us, too easily smitten with us. Why is it such an immediate turnoff to us when someone is too obviously interested? Is it the thrill of the chase being defused or is it just that we are so convinced of our own inadequacies that someone loving us freely and easily sends up a red flag that here we have someone even more massively damaged? I can't say. Any or all of the above may be true. Being aware of it doesn't help too much, it seems an insurmountable obstacle of the psyche.
That said, what do you do when there is a shift in your pattern, a changing of the status quo?
Of late I have found myself drawn to older men, not drastically older, but about 10-15 years older. I've been repeatedly given the same "comforting" line since High school, that the reason I don't connect with guys my age is because I'm so mature, self aware, and well adjusted. I know what I want, what I am, and am unapologetic about it. I want kids, and to get married, and to play video games without judgment. There are of course varying degrees of importance represented in these, but still, they are me, take me or leave me.
So it would seem that more "mature" men or at the very least men who think they are more mature due to different life experiences, (please note, DIFFERENT life experiences, because quite frankly I have done and seen plenty that most of these guys never have, and yet I don't think that invalidates their experiences) would be the logical choice. So I turn to these handsome, charming, and amazing men and find something that I have been seeking desperately since I came out. An open acceptance, a seeming absence of all the bullshit and superficiality, and a patience and sensuality. A desire for intimacy that I've always had and have almost never found in the frantic, clumsy, panicked arms of "guys my age." I get odd looks when trying to take the time to appreciate the little details about my partner. However there has been a very different kind of alienation with these men. There is a date, a kiss, maybe a little more. And then I am faced with a condescending smirk and a dismissive laugh because I'm 26. Fun to play with but nothing more. I lose either way. The guy too mature for his own group is too young for the people he best gets along with. At GG the majority of the couples I saw had a break in age of 10 years, often more. They were happy and having kids.
I recently received a profoundly unexpected kiss. A kiss that made me confused, exhilarated, and unable to stop smiling, and left him flustered and struggling for words. It is the only kiss that has ever rivaled, and maybe unseated my first kiss as my best...which made that particular dismissal that much more unexpected and stinging.
Maybe they're right, maybe I'm a stupid hormonal 26 year old, unable to discern what's best and relying too much on how right things feel. But I have to know, am I going to be hearing this when I'm 37 and they're 47? Do 66 year olds get to dismiss those hormonal 56 year olds? Is it a safety mechanism? Self preservation? Cause that reminds me of something...darn, I lost it. Must be all these hormones from all the casual sex I'm not having, I guess they're right, it could never work we're too dissimilar.
So. Here's my rant, commentary, upset.
I have been talking to friends, people in their mid 20s, and finding across the board the same thing. Those of us who are single have the same scenario repeating over and over. The people to whom we are attracted have no interest in us and the people who are attracted to us are just not the people we want to be with. Is it a safety mechanism? Self preservation? Go after those whom we know, on some level, we can't have to save ourselves from having to open up to someone? And more often than not being perplexed at those who seem, to us, too easily smitten with us. Why is it such an immediate turnoff to us when someone is too obviously interested? Is it the thrill of the chase being defused or is it just that we are so convinced of our own inadequacies that someone loving us freely and easily sends up a red flag that here we have someone even more massively damaged? I can't say. Any or all of the above may be true. Being aware of it doesn't help too much, it seems an insurmountable obstacle of the psyche.
That said, what do you do when there is a shift in your pattern, a changing of the status quo?
Of late I have found myself drawn to older men, not drastically older, but about 10-15 years older. I've been repeatedly given the same "comforting" line since High school, that the reason I don't connect with guys my age is because I'm so mature, self aware, and well adjusted. I know what I want, what I am, and am unapologetic about it. I want kids, and to get married, and to play video games without judgment. There are of course varying degrees of importance represented in these, but still, they are me, take me or leave me.
So it would seem that more "mature" men or at the very least men who think they are more mature due to different life experiences, (please note, DIFFERENT life experiences, because quite frankly I have done and seen plenty that most of these guys never have, and yet I don't think that invalidates their experiences) would be the logical choice. So I turn to these handsome, charming, and amazing men and find something that I have been seeking desperately since I came out. An open acceptance, a seeming absence of all the bullshit and superficiality, and a patience and sensuality. A desire for intimacy that I've always had and have almost never found in the frantic, clumsy, panicked arms of "guys my age." I get odd looks when trying to take the time to appreciate the little details about my partner. However there has been a very different kind of alienation with these men. There is a date, a kiss, maybe a little more. And then I am faced with a condescending smirk and a dismissive laugh because I'm 26. Fun to play with but nothing more. I lose either way. The guy too mature for his own group is too young for the people he best gets along with. At GG the majority of the couples I saw had a break in age of 10 years, often more. They were happy and having kids.
I recently received a profoundly unexpected kiss. A kiss that made me confused, exhilarated, and unable to stop smiling, and left him flustered and struggling for words. It is the only kiss that has ever rivaled, and maybe unseated my first kiss as my best...which made that particular dismissal that much more unexpected and stinging.
Maybe they're right, maybe I'm a stupid hormonal 26 year old, unable to discern what's best and relying too much on how right things feel. But I have to know, am I going to be hearing this when I'm 37 and they're 47? Do 66 year olds get to dismiss those hormonal 56 year olds? Is it a safety mechanism? Self preservation? Cause that reminds me of something...darn, I lost it. Must be all these hormones from all the casual sex I'm not having, I guess they're right, it could never work we're too dissimilar.
posted by Chris at 4:27 AM
1 Comments:
i hope its not creepy that i just read this, but I'm trolling facebook, and found this...and can't agree more.
The difference for me is what do you do when you have set your bar in a place that maybe you're not comfortable with. When you know you aren't happy, but you keep with it because its good enough. Safe. And afraid you'll end up never finding someone who will totally understand you.
How much should I be sacrificing at age 24?
I'm ranting. And totally off topic. I guess what I'm saying is you aren't alone. I think we're all confused and full of it and hope that we can remain happy.
Hope you're well.
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